How to Take Over Middle-Earth
by KatHarkness-Katara
Summary: An exercise in evil-ness, not to be taken seriously.


******I got this idea from "The Official Fanfiction University of Middleearth" by misscam. While you do not need to have read that story to understand this, those who have will recognize it as an attempt at Sauron's first essay. If I get bored, I may write a sequel about taking Middle-Earth back.**

**How to Take Over Middle-Earth**

Step the First: Become a master assassin. Failing this, "acquire" a master assassin and ensure their loyalty. This is risky; and the personal touch is preferable. For the purposes of this exercise, it shall be assumed the practitioner is the assassin in question.

Step the Second: Fake the suicide of Queen Arwen, wife of King Elessar of Gondor. This will, of course, incapacitate Gondor for some time, as well as the High Elves of Rivendell.

Step the Third: Fake a suicide note from Arwen, saying she found out Elessar was having an affair with Eowyn, wife of the Steward of Gondor and sister of the King of Rohan. Ensure Elrond, Faramir and Eomer find out about the note after the funeral.

Step the Fourth: In the ensuing chaos, trap Gandalf and imprison him somewhere. Make sure no eagles can reach him; do not kill him, it doesn't work. Just keep him out of the way.

Step the Fifth: Shoot Gimli, son of Gloin, and implicate Legolas, son of Thranduril. This will keep the Wood Elves and the Dwarves out of the Gondor/Rohan/High Elf conflict.

Step the Sixth: Make sure no word of the escalating chaos reaches the Shire. Those pesky hobbits never know when to stay home.

Step the Seventh: Murder Eowyn. Implicate Elladan and Elrohir, Arwen's brothers. This will put Rohan and the High Elves at each other's' throats, as well as preventing any reconciliation with Gondor.

Step the Eighth: Find Radagast the Brown, and persuade him to make you a draft that will turn the drinker into a blithering idiot. Make sure you have plenty of doses, and the effects will last for a long time.

Step the Ninth: Kidnap Meriadoc Brandybuck, squire of Rohan, and Peregrine Took, knight of Gondor, from the Shire. Give then the blithering-idiot draft. There may not appear to be much of a difference, but just be sure they won't accidently do something sensible. Insert them into the Gondor/Rohan/High Elf conflict.

Step the Tenth: Forge a letter from the Dwarves of the Lonely Mountain to Bilbo Baggins, asking for assistance in getting revenge on the Wood Elves for Gimli's death. Ensure the High Elves find and read the letter. This will bring them into the Dwarf/Wood Elf conflict.

Step the Eleventh: Acquire a lot of Ent-Draft. Kidnap a bunch of Dwarves, feed hem Ent-Draft until they're normal size, shave off their beards and cut off their ears and tongues. Do all this while disguised as a Wood Elf. Then leave them on Thranduril's doorstep. The Elves will assume they're men or elves attacked by dwarves; the dwarves will assume the Wood Elves are torturing them and try to kill them.

Step the Twelth: Plant mushrooms on the persons of Elessar, Eomer, Elrond, Faramir, and indeed anyone vaguely important. The brain-dead hobbits will start attacking them to get at the mushrooms, and might hurt someone, or at least cause a lot of chaos and confusion.

Step the Thirteenth: While the heads of state of Gondor and Rohan are preoccupied, quietly take control of their armies. Use bribery, threats, blackmail and select assassinations to gain their loyalty.

Step the Fourteenth: Get the officers in the armies to make surreptitious contact with their counterparts among the Wood Elf, High Elf and Dwarven armies. Insinuate that their leaders do not really care about them, and that the "squabble" should really be sorted out privately, by single combat.

Step the Fifteenth: Use similar methods of bribery and corruption to gain the loyalty of the Wood Elf, High Elf and Dwarven armies.

Step the Sixteenth: Command the various armies to persuade their leaders to take to the combat field against each other. This should be relatively easy; the people are sick of the bickering.

Step the Seventeenth: When the various leaders start their duelling, ensure there are no survivors. If necessary, blow up the combat field. This can be achieved by sprinkling the field liberally with mushrooms, then releasing the two hobbits with massive fireworks up their shirts and lit fuses.

Step the Eighteenth: Have yourself proclaimed King over all territories. Promise not to let personal issues get out of control, as that's what got the previous rulers into trouble.

Step the Nineteenth: Have Gandalf shipped off to the Undying Lands. That should prevent him from scheming against your benevolent rule.

Step the Twentieth: Do various good deeds to endear yourself to the people you now rule. When you are certain of your position, do whatever you like. After all, you're in charge now.


End file.
